I am a great human. Like all great humans I have tried and succeeded in pushing myself to the limits of human endeavour. One of the ways I do this is by attempting and often setting new world records.
BUT WHY DO I DO IT?
I don’t do it to cover myself in glory, I don’t do it to massage my own ego and I don’t do it to attract the attention of the opposite sex, (women already find me irresistible, more of which I’ll reveal at a later date)
I set new world records to inspire children, communities, countries and, in most cases, the entire population of the planet we call Earth. I do it to push the boundaries of humanity, to show all of us that if we dream big enough we can all be better people, YOU can be like me!
So here is a list of world records that I hold
- Longest time spent sitting on a shoe – 12 days, 6 hours and 33 minutes
- Longest time spent sitting on a penguin – 4 days, 2 hours and 6 minutes
- Most packets of Scampi Fries eaten in 1 hour – 54 packets
- Most cats thrown at a wall in 1 hour – 23 (For Children in Need)
- Longest time pretending to be a Ninja in a Marks and Spencer’s Food Hall – 3 days
- Most impersonations of Bruce Forsyth in a week – 786
- Largest collection of Wooden Ties – 2
- Longest time anyone has had a snail in their underpants – 16 days
- Most spoons thrown at aeroplanes at Heathrow Airport – 84 spoons at 67 planes
- Longest journey on a train with a live horse – 2 hours
I could go on but I don’t wish to sound arrogant.
- Most occasions anyone has accidentally electrocuted themselves whilst trying to make toast – 43
- Most Llamas insulted in Spanish – 88 (and counting)
- Longest time spent standing on a roundabout – 2 days, 2 hours and 2 minutes
So there you go. Now, don’t feel intimidated by all of my success, use them to spur you on to greater things.