Animals of Earth

As many of you may know I absolutely adore animals! I love animals more than anyone, so lets not argue about it. I’ve spent many a days out in the fields, the forests and other places that animals live in. Here are three pictures of my favourite animals ever!

Giraffe

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Despite having the longest on the planet, a giraffe only has three bones in its neck! #wow

Leopards

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Leopards are the fastest animals on Earth! #wow

Monkeys

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Monkeys are our nearest living relative! (Do we still need them now that we have evolved?) #wow

The Top 5 Funniest Moustached Comedians

There aren’t many certainties in life, less so now after all of the turmoil this Earth has suffered over the past 100 years with war and famine a part of daily life. But somethings in life are certain, death, taxes and people with moustaches are funnier than those without. Period.

I myself wear a moustache and I am one of the funniest people I know. But I’d like to take a moment to honour those that came before me, that blazed a path that I now stride along like a comedy colossus. I give you the top 5 funniest moustaches in comedy, ever!

5. John Cleese

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Basil Fawlty and his moustache

People always knew that John Cleese was funny from his appearances on Monty Python but it wasn’t until he grew a moustache for his role in the British sit-com ‘Fawlty Towers’ that people really began to appreciate his genius. Cleese’s moustache oozed character and often carried the show with its clichéd scripts and uninspired acting and helped him win a BAFTA for best comedy performance in 1980.

4. Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx and his FAKE moustache

‘Henry this Marx bloke is an imposter!’, is probably what you’re screaming at the screen right at this very minute but hold on there, hear me out. Have a sniff of some nasal inhaler and calm down. Yes, Groucho Marx did not really have a moustache. It was in fact boot polish, believe it or not?! But he did so much for moustached comedians and their reputation that he deserves a mention. For years rumours abounded about the authenticity of Marx’s moustache as it’s performance in ‘A Night at the Opera’ was so convincing! Finally, in 1976, three months before his death, Groucho revealed that his moustache was in fact a fake, finally bringing an end to one of the biggest mysteries in the entertainment industry.

3. Leigh Francis

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Leigh Francis, sophisticated.

Ever since Leigh appeared on our screens in ‘Bo’ Selecta!’ people have known that we are witnessing a special talent but it wasn’t until his appearances on ‘Celebrity Juice’ with its banter about the size of ladies boobs and his penis, that we really got to see the genius within. Without the moustache Leigh’s comedy would be crass and tacky but thanks to a moustache that says ‘I’m in control’ his performances are on another plain to all other comedians around today.

2. Cannon and Ball

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Cannon and Ball and Moustache

Most people think that Cannon and Ball was a double act but it wasn’t – it was a triple act! Bobby Ball’s moustache was the funniest moustache of the 1980’s helping the duo reach the pinnacle of light entertainment. His moustache was cocky, childlike and edgy and helped them replace Morecambe and Wise, neither of whom had a moustache, as the best comedy double act Britain has ever produced. The three of them rarely perform together now but who will forget the moustache’s catchphrase of ‘Rock on, Tommy’? I know I will never forget almost wetting myself whenever I hear those three words.

1. Clive Dunn in Dad’s Army

 

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Clive ‘Don’t Panic’ Dunn

‘Don’t panic! Don’t panic!’ Hahaha, I’m absolutely laughing my head off as I write this! Yes, the funniest moustache ever is of course Clive Dunn’s in Dad’s Army, the British TV sit-com that ran from 1968 to 1977. Is there anything more I can add to what has already been said about Clive and his little but hilarious moustache. Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him. A little known fact is that Clive Dunn was playing a character in his 60’s but was in fact only in his 30’s which is just mental! But this illusion of age would only have been possible through the power of his moustache, not because of Clive’s acting skills.

So, there you have it. Proof, if proof was needed to show you that people with moustaches are indeed the funniest people in the world.

Henry von Stifle: World Record Holder

I am a great human. Like all great humans I have tried and succeeded in pushing myself to the limits of human endeavour. One of the ways I do this is by attempting and often setting new world records.

BUT WHY DO I DO IT?

I don’t do it to cover myself in glory, I don’t do it to massage my own ego and I don’t do  it to attract the attention of the opposite sex, (women already find me irresistible, more of which I’ll reveal at a later date)

I set new world records to inspire children, communities, countries and, in most cases, the entire population of the planet we call Earth. I do it to push the boundaries of humanity, to show all of us that if we dream big enough we can all be better people, YOU can be like me!

So here is a list of world records that I hold

  • Longest time spent sitting on a shoe – 12 days, 6 hours and 33 minutes
  • Longest time spent sitting on a penguin – 4 days, 2 hours and 6 minutes
  • Most packets of Scampi Fries eaten in 1 hour – 54 packets
  • Most cats thrown at a wall in 1 hour – 23 (For Children in Need)fallingcat_jpg_560x0_q80_crop-smart
  • Longest time pretending to be a Ninja in a Marks and Spencer’s Food Hall – 3 days
  • Most impersonations of Bruce Forsyth in a week – 786
  • Largest collection of Wooden Ties – 2
  •  Longest time anyone has had a snail in their underpants – 16 days
  • Most spoons thrown at aeroplanes at Heathrow Airport – 84 spoons at 67 planes
  • Longest journey on a train with a live horse – 2 hours

    I could go on but I don’t wish to sound arrogant.

 

  • Most occasions anyone has accidentally electrocuted themselves whilst trying to make toast – 43
  • Most Llamas insulted in Spanish – 88 (and counting)
  • Longest time spent standing on a roundabout – 2 days, 2 hours and 2 minutes

So there you go. Now, don’t feel intimidated by all of my success, use them to spur you on to greater things.

My Time as a Spy

Before I became a world-class entertainer I worked, for a short while, as a spy for the British Secret Service. I will share some of my experiences as a spy later in this blog but what I want to share with you today is an extract from a one man show I did a few years back which was based on my time working undercover. A few years ago, (I can’t say exactly due to the official secrets act), I was sent deep undercover into North Korea on a reconnaissance mission. I discovered many things during my five-day mission but one that stuck in my mind was the North Koreans lack of Orangina (See picture below if you are not sure of the drink I am mentioning).

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The following conversation is from my hit solo show and is based on real events. The conversation took place between myself and the head of MI5 one day after I landed in North Korea, so strap in!

Henry: Hello

MI5: Hello

Henry: What?

MI5: HELLO!

Henry: Speak up, I’ve got a bad signal.

MI5: HELLO!

Henry: Hello.

MI5: Are you in North Korea, Henry?

Henry: Yes.

MI5: How’s the food over there?

Henry: I don’t know, I’ve not eaten yet.

MI5: Are you eating ok?

Henry: Pardon?

MI5: I said, are you eating ok?

Henry: Yes.

MI5: What did you have for lunch?

Henry: I ate on the plane.

MI5: What was it?

Henry: It’s a big aerodynamic machine that flies people to different destinations.

MI5: No, I know what a plane is, I was asking what you had for lunch.

Henry: Salmon.

MI5: Oh.

Henry: Look, they don’t have any Orangina here.

MI5: How was it?

Henry: What?

MI5: How was the salmon?

Henry: It was fine. Look, they don’t have any Orangina here.

MI5: Did they give you some lemon for it?

Henry: Instead of Orangina?

MI5: No, for the salmon.

Henry: No. Look, they do not have any Orangina in North Korea.

MI5: Pardon?

Henry: I said, they don’t have any Orangina here.

MI5: Yes, I know.

Henry: Oh

MI5: Oh.

Henry: But don’t they know that since Orangina’s inception in 1936 it’s had the perfect blend of citrus fruits and orange zest. And that at only 42 calories per can it’s great for your waist?

MI5: No, not many North Koreans know about that. Anyway, I’d better go now as I have a moussaka in the oven

Henry: Is that a code?

MI5: What?

Henry: Moussaka in the oven. Is that a code for something?

MI5: No, I’ve really got a moussaka in the oven.

Henry: I love moussaka but I hate aubergines.

MI5: But aubergines are the main ingredient in moussaka, so how can you like it?

Henry: What?

MI5: I said, aubergines are the main ingredient in moussaka, so how can you like it?

Henry:…Ok

MI5: Pardon?

Henry: Ok…bye.

MI5: Be careful, Henry.

Henry: Ok

(They both laugh)

So that’s the scene and it’s pretty tense stuff I’m sure you’ll agree. I will share more of my spy exploits and the hit show about that time at a later date.

 

 

MY CHILDHOOD

The rain trickled down the window, due to the fact that it was raining outside. The temperature outside was cold due to the fact that it wasn’t warm. The day was the 3rd of January, eight days after my sixth birthday on which I’d received the gift of a can opener off my father and my mother had sung me the song ‘I’m In The Mood For Dancing’ by The Nolan Sisters from start to finish whilst crying. Despite both of these considerate gifts my mood was darker than a  panther in a bin bag, due to the fact that Canterbury had refused my plans for the redesigning of the Whitefriars Shopping Centre and also because my father had accidentally shot my mother the previous day. A double whammy of pain that still makes me shudder to this day. Below is a picture of Homer Simpson shuddering to give you a visual aide as to what I am doing now as I write this.

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Obviously the rejection from Canterbury council was a body blow but I was more upset about my mother’s death. I’d noticed that things between my mother and father were becoming strained due to the fact that I was perceptive and a genius, added to the fact that they had argued every night for three months. Different people react differently to grief, I had retreated into my make-believe world where I worked in a video rental shop with Beverly D’Angelo who played Ellen Griswold along side Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons Holiday films. Those imaginary days were some of the happiest of my young life and Beverly would always calm me down whenever imaginary people were late returning their imaginary videos back to the store – what a woman.

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My father, predictably, reacted very badly to the accidental shooting. In fact, looking back, I think that was maybe the period he went mad as all he did was laugh for days on end. I’d never actually seen him happier, it was very sad to see. Him and I had never been close but the accidental murder of my mother drove an even bigger wedge between us and we spent less and less time together. He began drinking heavily and staying out until the early hours with his friends whereas I took solace in my books during the hours that my imaginary video shop was closed.

It was during this period that my genius really began to take off. I would devour books like a tortoise devours cake, reading everything from Nietzsche to Nabokov. My intelligence grew tenfold which culminated later that year when I invented the disposable toaster. My father was never around to make me go to school so I schooled myself in mathematics, science, English, German and business studies (the imaginary video rental business is ruthless). I also took a keen interest in wildlife and spent hours at the local zoo. I felt a bond growing between myself and the animals in the zoo and I would often talk to them about the troubles I was encountering in my life. My favourite beast of the animal kingdom is the dolphin

A Dolphin.

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The following three years pretty much followed the same pattern of schooling myself, talking to animals and running the imaginary video store with Beverly but I was beginning to outgrow my surroundings and my feet were becoming itchy which is a metaphor for wanting to see the world. But what would happen with my father? That question was about to be answered…

 

MY BIRTH

It is always hard to know where to start when writing about one’s life but after much deliberation I have decided it best to start with my birth. I was born on the 25th of December (the same day as Christmas) 1974, almost two thousand years after the birth of Jesus Chris, the son of God. But I wasn’t the son of God, I was the son of Geoffrey and Maude von Stifle. They didn’t know it at the time but they had just given birth to a genius, me. My mother and father were hoping for a baby girl and so they were initially disappointed when their baby girl came out with a penis attached to its groin. I obviously didn’t know about the disappointment that they felt but it soon became clear over the course of the next 16 years, but I jump too far ahead…more of that to come.

My father was an inventor and enjoyed success with his invention of the tin opener with bottle opener attachment but also suffered some major disappointments with inventions such as  top hats designed specifically for horses, the 7-wheeled push bike, the electric comb, apple and coal toothpaste, the air-conditioned shoe, bacon soap and the shoe umbrella (see below).

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My mother was the real bread-winner working as a professional singer in pubs and clubs in and around Canterbury. My mother had a truly unique voice, a sort of mix between Simon le Bon and Johnny Cash. With Mother bringing in somewhere between £40-£50 a week and the royalties from my fathers tin opener we had a pretty good standard of life in Canterbury and I never went without anything during my early years apart from regular meals and warm clothing.

My routine as a baby was pretty much like any other baby’s, up early everyday, lots of crying and regular shitting but even though I didn’t know it then, something was different about me. My parents were staggered at how quickly I was learning new things, by the age of 14 months I could say the name of 8 different shapes (rectangle etc.) , 17 colours (green etc.) and by the age of 4 I was almost walking unaided. I just seemed to pick things up in an instant, my brain working like a sponge, soaking up information like a sponge soaks up water and by the age of 3 I had designed a new patio for the family home. I quickly moved on from patio’s and by the age of 6 I was making plans to redesign the Whitefriars Shopping Centre in Canterbury.

But being a child prodigy brought with it draw backs of which I will tell you next time…